i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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