There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
