He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
bring money and cleavage
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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