So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
