if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
love makes seman taste better
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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