just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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