An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
