Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
