last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
