Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
