I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
