The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
