Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
