Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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