I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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