help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Four minutes until I can fart!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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