I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
