mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My pussy is not your playground.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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