and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
