No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
