all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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