Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
