I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just cropdusted the office
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
