Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
