When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
