Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
