You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
