You just made me feel so damn special
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize