If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
