3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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