I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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