He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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