listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
