I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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