God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
