If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
