I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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