Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
