All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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