put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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