i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
