So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
