If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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