we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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