it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
