Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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