im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
