Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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