Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
