he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
tell me about the fingering
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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